POETRY - SHARDS OF BROKEN GLASS

SHARDS OF BROKEN GLASS As real as reflections on polished glass, Your fragile beauty; vividly dwells in my mind, Your ethereal presence; comforting for every hour I pass, Each minute lost in thought; hoping love in you to find. For in sweet surrender; I drift along in a heady trance, My soul in turmoil; gladly counting each passing day, My feelings all on fire; yearning to get a chance, For just a moment; all my heart’s desire to say. But forsaken and lonely; like a lost spiritual pilgrim of old, My flames of passion flare, and my heart burns with a crave, My arms aching; just your supple body to hold, So that my dead soul; can rise from this emotional grave. Like the ocean; my heart opens wide, Reaching out in grace; your tender love to embrace, But my pure devotion; sail against time and tide, And now I feel; as melancholic as a penitent in disgrace. Daily I search my heart; but find no hate, For in reposeful sweetness; within me you stay, Like an angel of hope; sent by heavenly fate, Peace of mind to give; when meekly I pray. Now my dream is shattered, By a painful memory; of a moment’s passionate token, That like a raging storm; has left my feelings scattered, Like shards of glass broken.

Paradise in Hell: Affirming My Resolve

It took me three years to build my internal defense mechanism, to emotionally and psychologically prepare myself for the eventual explosion and rapture of my marriage, which by then I was persuaded was beyond salvage. The certainty of the upcoming doom was as crystal clear as bright sunrise in my mind. All the while my ex was so challengingly oblivious of the decision I had made. She thought she had me where she wanted me, not knowing that all along I was giving her time to see how she was hurting me in other respects, and steeling myself against the pain that would follow should I carry out my resolve. Our marriage was practically dead apart from the sex. Women should know that holding a marriage together takes more that sex; and the worst thing a woman can ever do is to try to trample on and erode a man’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem. A man’s pride is intrinsically part of him, radar that he relies on to navigate the treacherous terrain of male dominance. Everyman spends time searching for and asserting his manhood in many subtle ways that sometimes is not apparent to men themselves. When it is time to defend and protect this side of their nature, they often go on autopilot. Tragically for most marriages, this is the only territory that many women do everything to violate to the detriment of their happiness. I find it ironic that women largely and exclusively blame men for all their marital woes, forgetting to examine how their attitude and general deportment contributes to this painful way of sharing our lives. I would sometimes bemusedly look at her with pity as she’d strut all over the house, throwing verbal missiles, challenging me to make good my promise to send her back to her parents. “ We are rich, our family is capable…I’ll be taken care of…we have trucks at home, and I can go for one even right now…” At such heated moments I would sometimes choose not to verbally respond, but inwardly, I would tell myself, “ baby, it is me who will hire a truck, and I’ll let have it all…I’ll not fight over who between us contributed how much to buy what…you’ll either take everything away with you or live it all here…”

Paradise in Hell: The Day We Separated

If asked to say what has greatly contributed to my romanticism, not in the narrow sense attached to matters of sex and love, but in the broader sense of loving the beauty of nature; I surely would not know what answer to give. I am not certain it is country music that inclines me towards a deep love affair with nature, or it is nature that makes me love country music so passionately. Well, I believe the answer to this is neither here nor there, but as I am writing this episode, two songs, one by Dolly Porton and the other by Don Williams keep on playing interchangeably in my mind. Silver and Gold Well, I met an old man, walking down the street, His clothes were torn and tattered, with sandals on his feet, And I stopped to help him, And then he on the other hand said “I Love you so much, but you must understand that silver and gold might buy you a home, but things of this world, they won’t last you long, and time has a way of turning out sore, but time cannot be bought back with silver and gold” And he said to me let’s rest for a while, Coz I have some good news to share with you child He said, you can’t change this whole world, But people need to know…that a dear say might drag you a long long time ago…. ‘And silver and gold might buy you a home, but things of this world, they won’t last you long, and time as a way of turning out sore, but time cannot be bought back with silver and gold” “His eyes shone like diamonds, And his smile was heaven itself, His hands was long and glowing, And his back was slightly bent, And I knew he knew it, coz that day I changed, And until I walked off, I forgot to ask him his name, He said silver and gold can buy you a home, When this life has ended and your time is on, But you can live in a world where, you don’t grow old, And things can be bought there with silver and gold, And time can be bought back with silver and gold. Now as the words of this song continually plays in my head, I am transported down the memory trail to one gloomy Saturday afternoon, 6 years ago when I asked my ex wife, “ Desb’s, are you sure you wanna go through with it?’ Although she said, “yes..,” I can still see the haunting look of horror mingled with pain and plea in her eyes….” Even now, I cannot help it…am crying like hell…I had just brought a truck home and asked her to, “kindly pack up everything as slowly and as meticulously as you can, and go. If you are packing make sure you leave absolutely nothing behind except me” She did precisely that, and my first, and probably the only marriage I’ll ever have came to a tortuous grinding end. I said two songs. Silver and gold is by Dolly Porton. The other song: “She never knew me” echoes my current love. Read about the episodes in my next two postings.

Paradise in Hell: The Day We Separated

If asked to say what has greatly contributed to my romanticism, not in the narrow sense attached to matters of sex and love, but in the broader sense of loving the beauty of nature; I surely would not know what answer to give. I am not certain it is country music that inclines me towards a deep love affair with nature, or it is nature that makes me love country music so passionately. Well, I believe the answer to this is neither here nor there, but as I am writing this episode, two songs, one by Dolly Porton and the other by Don Williams keep on playing interchangeably in my mind. Silver and Gold Well, I met an old man, walking down the street, His clothes were torn and tattered, with sandals on his feet, And I stopped to help him, And then he on the other hand he said “I Love you so much, but you must understand, That silver and gold might buy you a home, But things of this world, they won’t last you long, And time as a way of turning out sore, But time cannot be bought back with silver and gold” And he said to me let’s rest for a while, Coz I have some good news to share with you child He said, you can’t change this whole world, But people need to know… That a dear say might drag you a long long time ago…. ‘And silver and gold might buy you a home, But things of this world, they won’t last you long, And time as a way of turning out sore, And time cannot be bought back with silver and gold” “His eyes shone like diamonds, And his smile was heaven itself, His hands was long and glowing, And his back was slightly bent, And I knew he knew it, coz that day I changed, And until I walked off, I forgot to ask him his name, He said silver and gold can buy you a home, When this life has ended and your time is on, But you can live in a world where, you never grow old, And things can be bought there with silver and gold, And time can be bought back with silver and gold. Now as the words of this song continually plays in my head, I am transported down the memory trail to one gloomy Saturday afternoon, 6 years ago when I asked my ex wife, “ Desb’s, are you sure you wanna go through with it?’ Although she said, “yes..,” I can still see the haunting look of horror mingled with pain and plea in her eyes….” Even now, I cannot help it…am crying like hell…I had just brought a truck home and asked her to, “kindly pack up everything as slowly and as meticulously as you can, and go. If you are packing make sure you leave absolutely nothing behind except me” She did precisely that, and my first, and probably the only marriage I’ll ever have came to a tortuous, grinding end. I said two songs. Silver and gold is by Dolly Porton. The other song: “She never knew me…” echoes my current love. She never understands the depth of my feelings Read about the episodes in my next two postings.

Paradise in Hell: If She Were My True Love

I have had time to really think about you and I, and I have come to the conclusion that I truly and deeply love you, and I need you in my life with all my heart and soul. But when I view the circumstances surrounding us, I sadly and painfully realize that you hardly love me at all. Your true heart’s desires seems to me to lie elsewhere, in another place, in different sets of circumstances far removed from what I represent, what I am to you and what I might mean to you if only you’d give me the chance. My true hearts affection is to you; and there is no other one I adore as much, but it seems I only exist on the periphery of your tender feelings and caring. I am just one other person amongst others who might occasionally and temporarily ignite tepid warmth in your heart - just an anonymous presence in a vast field of tenderness in which your heart may sometimes find humor and succor: but only when you need a quick dose of an emotional high. It breaks my heart when I realize there is absolutely nothing I can do to pretend that my feelings for you are not real, and my despair is made worse by the knowledge that I cannot change this tortuous state of heart’s affairs because true affection can never be bought by silver and gold. I thought in you I’d find everlasting love, but all I have reaped from you is searing heartache.

Paradise in Hell

I cannot say precisely when we began this conversation with dad (God). I am going to use the word dad and God interchangeably. So make no mistake- dad means God to me. OK, what was I saying…this talk we’ve had with God for so long until last week when he finally asked me, ‘sony, do you still want to go back to the other place?’

I looked up at dad with tears in my eyes and tried to answer, but I found no right words to say. He prompted gently, ``don’t you want to speak to dad today?”

I squinted up at him, and there it was again; the usual wink and the characteristic knowing smile I had become so accustomed to that whenever I stared up at his face my reflexes automatically registered this look even when his face was as stern and hard as a dry plank of wood.
``Of course I want to daddy,’’ I managed to reply. There was prolonged silence.
``Speak up, say what is truly in your heart,’’ he urged and kindly smiled at me. `Do you want to stay here at home with me, or do you still wish me to…,’ he winked again and smiled down benignly at me, `…let you go and take another tour of that place?’

My head went into a fast spin. I felt dizzy and confused. Suddenly a searing pain tore across my heart and threw my entire body into shivers. Tiny pinpricks of light shot out of my mind and reflected very clear pictures of different segments of my life in stark reality. I somehow knew even in this tumult of confusing thoughts and reflections that daddy was patiently waiting for my answer with his usual smile in place.

I heaved a heavy sigh after what seemed like eternity itself and in a firm voice said. `No, no nooo nooooooo daddy, if you let me go back there again, I know this time you will let me die. Dad, I can sense that as clearly as if you are speaking out the words loudly.’

I opened my eyes and found myself standing alone. God was gone. I frantically searched around but there was nothing to indicate his presence. Some inner voice warned me that if I made a single step from where I was standing, I would never live again. So I simply `plonked’ on the ground and prayed for oblivion