Paradise in Hell: Affirming My Resolve

It took me three years to build my internal defense mechanism, to emotionally and psychologically prepare myself for the eventual explosion and rapture of my marriage, which by then I was persuaded was beyond salvage. The certainty of the upcoming doom was as crystal clear as bright sunrise in my mind. All the while my ex was so challengingly oblivious of the decision I had made. She thought she had me where she wanted me, not knowing that all along I was giving her time to see how she was hurting me in other respects, and steeling myself against the pain that would follow should I carry out my resolve. Our marriage was practically dead apart from the sex. Women should know that holding a marriage together takes more that sex; and the worst thing a woman can ever do is to try to trample on and erode a man’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem. A man’s pride is intrinsically part of him, radar that he relies on to navigate the treacherous terrain of male dominance. Everyman spends time searching for and asserting his manhood in many subtle ways that sometimes is not apparent to men themselves. When it is time to defend and protect this side of their nature, they often go on autopilot. Tragically for most marriages, this is the only territory that many women do everything to violate to the detriment of their happiness. I find it ironic that women largely and exclusively blame men for all their marital woes, forgetting to examine how their attitude and general deportment contributes to this painful way of sharing our lives. I would sometimes bemusedly look at her with pity as she’d strut all over the house, throwing verbal missiles, challenging me to make good my promise to send her back to her parents. “ We are rich, our family is capable…I’ll be taken care of…we have trucks at home, and I can go for one even right now…” At such heated moments I would sometimes choose not to verbally respond, but inwardly, I would tell myself, “ baby, it is me who will hire a truck, and I’ll let have it all…I’ll not fight over who between us contributed how much to buy what…you’ll either take everything away with you or live it all here…”